ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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