I faked an abortion last night.
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
His nipple licking is glorious
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