Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
