I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
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