Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
she looked like the bat from fern gully.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
