i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Randomize
