mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
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