take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
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