Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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