Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
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