I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
