so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
