is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
