just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Randomize
