I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
