I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Last comment. I know of no exercises, diets or practices out there to help keeping balls young and healthy. They simply succumb to gravity.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Randomize
