there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
She announced her abortion via fbk
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Randomize
