if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize
