What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
