they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
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