im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
