dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Randomize
