i was rollin on her like bob the builder
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
