I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
Randomize
