dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
That's when you crack a 10am beer
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
