her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Dicks are not precious.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Randomize
