we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
