nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Randomize
