Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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