girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
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