we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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