She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
