whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
