The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
