Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
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