Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Randomize
