omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize