When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
