true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
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