somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Randomize
