i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
My vagina is officially offended.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Randomize
