It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
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