I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
Randomize