matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Randomize
