So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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