nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
