i was rollin on her like bob the builder
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
