i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
