they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Randomize
