I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
