matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
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