just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
so much tequila, so little girl.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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