There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Randomize
