If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
