Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
