its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize