Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
