So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
