So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
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