Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
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