First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Randomize