I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Randomize
